Dear Little One -

I had deleted this blog, feeling like you may just never be but reactivated it this morning when I wanted to type some thoughts about you.  It should stay I suppose, until I'm certain you wont ever be.

I spent a year falling in love with the possibility of you, letting you go in my heart hasn't been easy at all.  What hurts the most is how it came that you weren't going to be coming in the time frame originally planned, the pain of that decision and saying so to your dad still so rawly fresh in my heart.  I still hurt, and still want you so much.

I found another couple to help, but I haven't been able to feel the pure peace and joy about everything.  I'm happy I can help them, but miss what could have been... what should be.

I really hope that your dad will still choose to have you in another 18mo or so.  I hope he doesn't feel too old come that time, or his other reasons of wondering if he shouldn't have a child to raise afterall.  He is such an amazing man, little one, so incredible and such a good father.  Emily has been so blessed to have him in her life, especially to have him as her dad.

I often think of you and wonder about you, as I look at Emily.  I wonder what you would/have looked like or be like.  What your interests would be.  Would you give hugs like your sister does?  Kisses?  Would you love animals?  Would you love to draw, dance, and sing?

I love you already.