Dear Little One -
When you became a dream of your dads, you also became mine. Well, not quite. When he first mentioned it to me I recoiled quickly. I wasn't prepared for having a sibling, at that time I thought Emily was going to be my last child. I couldn't wrap my mind around how it would all work, what he invisioned, I barely understood how things were going to be with Emily - she was so new to this world. But over time you grew in my heart.
Your dad is an amazing person, with such a sweet heart. He's practical and rational, not necessarily my area of forte. I am a dreamer, ponderer and a planner.
I know it is possible that you may never end up being. Your dad may decide that you should grow in another woman's tummy - and that would be ok too, I will still love you just as much :) He may also decide that his focus should be on your sister, which is understandable as well. I am curious what will end up happening, to see what life's plan is suppose to be.
My heart still hurts, Little One. Although I needed more time to emotionally grow and be prepared to carry you and the life changes that may come from it in other areas of my life, having crushed your dads heart the way that I did still leaves me hurting tramendously. He cares so much, and it was the worst thing I've experienced, and it occured by my own doing. I pray that I never hurt someone in such a manner ever again in my life. He seems to have forgiven me, he's always so kind in his words, but the worst pain someone can carry is their own guilt. I sure feel it. I hope in time I can forgive myself, even though I understand my actions.
The talk of your potential brought so much excitement inside of me. I shared this with Samantha today, who is extremely excited as well. She dreams with me. Maybe one day you'll meet her.
How can someone love a child so much before they even exist? Before they're really a true planned and driven dream? You are a thought, a wonderment, a hope, a curiosity. Just the same though, I love you.
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