Dear Little One -
I wonder if you are growing. I am having symptoms that are saying it is quite possible, and I am finding myself doubting at the same time. I have no idea when I ovulated, but hope it was at a time where you would be able to be conceived. It's so common though, for a mom who hopes so much, to feel symptoms that either really aren't there or just read too much in to them. I couldn't be making up these uncomfortable cramping symptoms though, with a tighter feeling in one spot.... and yet it could mean something other then you. How amazing it would be though, if this month was your month :)
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
Dear Little One ~
Your biggest sister, Alyssa, came in to the restroom this morning rubbing her eyes and asked me if I had been throwing up this morning. I hadn't. She said she had a dream then, that seemed so real, that I was throwing up and said I was pregnant. Hmm, could it be? She's never been the one to pick up on my other pregnancies, but could she have been the one that foretold that this month was your month? I wonder....
Your biggest sister, Alyssa, came in to the restroom this morning rubbing her eyes and asked me if I had been throwing up this morning. I hadn't. She said she had a dream then, that seemed so real, that I was throwing up and said I was pregnant. Hmm, could it be? She's never been the one to pick up on my other pregnancies, but could she have been the one that foretold that this month was your month? I wonder....
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Dear Little One -
We have tried for you again, even though the OPK tests keep saying negative. I feel a bit discouraged as we reach day 17 and still without a positive to show. Your dad is such a trooper, and is so hopeful for you as well - he came out so we could try for you again... just in case. I am thankful for this, at least the chance is there while we keep waiting.
Just in case you're suppose to be a dragon baby, it is quite possible! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dragon_%28zodiac%29#Years_and_the_Five_Elements Little water dragon. We have a few months grace period, so will see.
I feel a bit lost with my cycle, as I try to catch the egg that will hopefully grow to be you. I am hopeful I can this month, but if not then there's always next month. Next month you'd be close to a Christmas baby if it worked :)
You have quite a few people eagerly awaiting you!! Your big sister, Katie, has had so many questions about you - what I think you'll look like, if you'll be a boy or a girl, will you look like Emily... she's so curious. I can see the excitement growing in your dad, and I am feeling it too :)
I am still laying here, enjoying the moment to relax while I listen to the other kids playing in the living room. The test still said negative, but my hope holds :)
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Today has emotionally been very difficult. At a time I should be overfilling with joy, I am struggling with heart wrenching pain and sorrow.
Before I was able to finally come back to this journey's path, having Emily's sibling, I was to help a couple who were friends first. I felt confident working with them, they felt trustworthy. And they really are, they are great people. The mother, having one child already, so deeply wanted another child but carrying twins as a surrogate for another couple left her unable to have any more children. I offered to carry and my heart fell in love with all that would come. We dreamed together, and our visions became real in our minds and heart. Although I looked forward to walking the path I am on now again, this other path felt so important to me for a few reasons and a path I was to walk first.
When the mother changed her mind, for health reasons, my heart broke - although I understood. Most important to me was our friendship, so long as that held everything else was ok. I would still support her in her quest to become a mother again, even if I wasn't the one carrying her baby here.
Over these last two weeks I felt things changing. Beyond exhausted, I made sure to have my daughter down at her daughters birthday party. I felt like such an outsider, it felt different then before... as though part of her wanted me there but wished I wasn't. Our conversations changed online, as did our phone calls. She stopped answering my calls, or returning them. Any text in reference to our friendship or my appreciation of them went unanswered. I finally asked about it today ~ unanswered. There's more that happened, but that's the jist of it.
Insems happened yesterday, and I can feel things happening in my uterus (no ovulation yet) ~ a joy I should be walking the clouds with, and part of me is, but this other part hurts for a friend I lost because of surrogacy. Because of infertility. Infertility because of surrogacy.
Today I felt such guilt for my own fertility. I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I do. Here a friend is struggling with such pain, and I am walking on and having a child. I guess I can't blame her distance, but it still hurts tramendously. It wasn't suppose to be this way :(
I will feel peace soon, but tonight the heaviness hovers and I am fighting back tears.
Before I was able to finally come back to this journey's path, having Emily's sibling, I was to help a couple who were friends first. I felt confident working with them, they felt trustworthy. And they really are, they are great people. The mother, having one child already, so deeply wanted another child but carrying twins as a surrogate for another couple left her unable to have any more children. I offered to carry and my heart fell in love with all that would come. We dreamed together, and our visions became real in our minds and heart. Although I looked forward to walking the path I am on now again, this other path felt so important to me for a few reasons and a path I was to walk first.
When the mother changed her mind, for health reasons, my heart broke - although I understood. Most important to me was our friendship, so long as that held everything else was ok. I would still support her in her quest to become a mother again, even if I wasn't the one carrying her baby here.
Over these last two weeks I felt things changing. Beyond exhausted, I made sure to have my daughter down at her daughters birthday party. I felt like such an outsider, it felt different then before... as though part of her wanted me there but wished I wasn't. Our conversations changed online, as did our phone calls. She stopped answering my calls, or returning them. Any text in reference to our friendship or my appreciation of them went unanswered. I finally asked about it today ~ unanswered. There's more that happened, but that's the jist of it.
Insems happened yesterday, and I can feel things happening in my uterus (no ovulation yet) ~ a joy I should be walking the clouds with, and part of me is, but this other part hurts for a friend I lost because of surrogacy. Because of infertility. Infertility because of surrogacy.
Today I felt such guilt for my own fertility. I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I do. Here a friend is struggling with such pain, and I am walking on and having a child. I guess I can't blame her distance, but it still hurts tramendously. It wasn't suppose to be this way :(
I will feel peace soon, but tonight the heaviness hovers and I am fighting back tears.
Dear Little One -
How quickly life's path can change. As your dad and I talked more about you, we were looking at your potential time to start growing being another 18mo away or so. I was going to help a friend bring her baby here first, so when you're time came I could give you all of my time to nurse and pump. It ended up not being the right time for them afterall, and I offered the possibility to your dad to start now!
He was so excited. I don't remember what day of my cycle I was on at that point, but know I was waiting for AF to start. Your "day 1" in your growth if you ended up growing that month. It started right on time, and since I was talking with your dad at that moment he was able to truly be a part of you from the very start :)
It came quicker then he and I planned, but today we sat in the midwife's office filling paperwork out, and preparing to complete an insem. Although day 12, and no LH surge, we chose to take this day since it was the only day our midwife was in her office and her signature was needed for a piece of paper to help tell the judges that you were very important to your daddy and planned. He did his part, and came back to where we all were. I left, and did my part. I looked at the cup that held all the magic of the possibility of you, and remembered when we conceived your big sister Emily. When we have an LH surge, your daddy will visit again but today is still very special. You are possible!
I am so very hopeful that this is your month. Daddy says you'll still be a dragon baby! I looked at Emily today and thought about how amazing of a big sister she will be, and wondered what you will be like.
I feel like I'm walking a dream ~ such a sweet dream. It really is our time, and within two weeks you could be a reality!
< 3
Your Mom
How quickly life's path can change. As your dad and I talked more about you, we were looking at your potential time to start growing being another 18mo away or so. I was going to help a friend bring her baby here first, so when you're time came I could give you all of my time to nurse and pump. It ended up not being the right time for them afterall, and I offered the possibility to your dad to start now!
He was so excited. I don't remember what day of my cycle I was on at that point, but know I was waiting for AF to start. Your "day 1" in your growth if you ended up growing that month. It started right on time, and since I was talking with your dad at that moment he was able to truly be a part of you from the very start :)
It came quicker then he and I planned, but today we sat in the midwife's office filling paperwork out, and preparing to complete an insem. Although day 12, and no LH surge, we chose to take this day since it was the only day our midwife was in her office and her signature was needed for a piece of paper to help tell the judges that you were very important to your daddy and planned. He did his part, and came back to where we all were. I left, and did my part. I looked at the cup that held all the magic of the possibility of you, and remembered when we conceived your big sister Emily. When we have an LH surge, your daddy will visit again but today is still very special. You are possible!
I am so very hopeful that this is your month. Daddy says you'll still be a dragon baby! I looked at Emily today and thought about how amazing of a big sister she will be, and wondered what you will be like.
I feel like I'm walking a dream ~ such a sweet dream. It really is our time, and within two weeks you could be a reality!
< 3
Your Mom
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