Today has emotionally been very difficult.  At a time I should be overfilling with joy, I am struggling with heart wrenching pain and sorrow.

Before I was able to finally come back to this journey's path, having Emily's sibling, I was to help a couple who were friends first.  I felt confident working with them, they felt trustworthy.  And they really are, they are great people.  The mother, having one child already, so deeply wanted another child but carrying twins as a surrogate for another couple left her unable to have any more children.  I offered to carry and my heart fell in love with all that would come.  We dreamed together, and our visions became real in our minds and heart.  Although I looked forward to walking the path I am on now again, this other path felt so important to me for a few reasons and a path I was to walk first.

When the mother changed her mind, for health reasons, my heart broke - although I understood.  Most important to me was our friendship, so long as that held everything else was ok.  I would still support her in her quest to become a mother again, even if I wasn't the one carrying her baby here.

Over these last two weeks I felt things changing.  Beyond exhausted, I made sure to have my daughter down at her daughters birthday party.  I felt like such an outsider, it felt different then before... as though part of her wanted me there but wished I wasn't.  Our conversations changed online, as did our phone calls.  She stopped answering my calls, or returning them.  Any text in reference to our friendship or my appreciation of them went unanswered.  I finally asked about it today ~ unanswered.  There's more that happened, but that's the jist of it.

Insems happened yesterday, and I can feel things happening in my uterus (no ovulation yet) ~ a joy I should be walking the clouds with, and part of me is, but this other part hurts for a friend I lost because of surrogacy.  Because of infertility.  Infertility because of surrogacy.

Today I felt such guilt for my own fertility.  I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I do.  Here a friend is struggling with such pain, and I am walking on and having a child.  I guess I can't blame her distance, but it still hurts tramendously.  It wasn't suppose to be this way :(

I will feel peace soon, but tonight the heaviness hovers and I am fighting back tears.