Day 15

Today wraps up day 15.  This cycle is quiet, peaceful I would say.  I haven't felt too many jumps in anxiousness as each day passes, or each time I test with the OPK.  All, just is.

Shing dropped off Answer OPK tests (20ct) along with the Clear Blue Easy Fertility Test Sticks, last Monday (3/26) when picking up Emily.  As luck would have it, as much as I love the monitor, it had disappeared the following morning when I went to reach for it to test.  It was gone, somewhere - maybe Emily moved it, or one of my other children, or maybe I had placed it in a "safe spot" and it disappeared in to the black hole with all the other "safe placed" items, only to reappear in the most oddest spots possible at some point in time.  I began testing with the Answer OPK tests, and was content.  Each morning around 10ish, and evening around 5ish, I test.  I note the barely visible 2nd test line and ponder over when it shows positive... while yet not feeling rushed or stressed.

Day 15.  Finally, for the first time this month, I have began feeling little pinching feelings on both of my ovaries.  It's rotating back and forth, so slight in discomfort.  Other visible signs, such as CM, are pointing to ovulation being close.  It's the only place I feel hesitant, to say that I'm "close" or make any definitive statements regarding when ovulation will happen.  I feel lost in a sense, just along for the ride of whatever my body ends up deciding to do, and whenever that may be.  Just pee, dip, test, wait, read.... and wait.

In an odd sense I'm thankful it didn't work last month.  Whether it did and stopped growing, or didn't at all, I am enjoy the peaceful feeling this month has brought, but along with that the feeling of soft tender love I feel for the child who will be to come soon, along with a more humble respect that I can't snap my fingers and have conception happen immediately.

The top two were from yesterday, bottom three from today (am/afternoon/pm) -
note the slowly darkening second line....

AF has finally arrived

This morning AF finally arrived.  In one sense it brought relief, "FINALLY!"  And then another, a list of questions and disappointments.  I am glad though that with a month full of confusion and head scratching moments, that we can be a "Day 1" again.

I need to pick up batteries, monitor test strips, and another package of Answer ovulation tests.  I am ready to tackle this month :)

Tonight after using the restroom there was a little tiny bit of pink.  If I knew for sure about ovulation and insems, I'd say it was implantation spotting.  Something I'm use to seeing with past conceptions.  I have no real idea really, and as late as it's been since the last possible ovulation and insems, I'd question if it's more like AF (aunt flow = period) is debating whether to show up or not.  I feel my chest and it's full, but I suspect it's because Emily's been gone for almost a week and she still nurses a little bit.

I can feel the PH balance being off, something I all too well remember right before finding out Mimi was on her way... and yet it's fairly similar to what I felt a few days before AF showed up last month.

I am very hopeful, while at the same time I've kinda lost faith in this cycle working.  If it does, I will be shocked.

I have one more pregnancy test left......

Today I took another test, as my hope was there.  Nothing.  Turning it sideways, and then holding it up to the light.... I think I saw something.  My heart skipped.  Angling, it was there more so.... and then gone again.

And then I realized what those "possible" invisible lines were from.  They lined up perfectly with the line on the back from the plastic.

Why in the world would someone design these pregnancy test, knowing that there'd be a handful of crazy want so much to see that second line hopefully pregnant obviously hormonal women, with these lines on the back??  So not cool, designers.

I'll be holding the tests up to the light again, and squinting for that second line, but not within it's package.  Once I tore the test apart and held the strip up, the possible second line wasn't there.

That imaginary 2nd line....

The invisible line.

It's the taunting line that no one else is really going to see, but as you look at a clearly negative test it flashes the possibility.  You think for a moment you see that second line.

This problem is quadruple-fold with surro-eyes, that doesn't just take one glance at face value.  The thing has to be held up to every light imaginable, turned sideways, unfocus eyes, and swear that if you stand on one arm and look at the test cross-eyes while twirling your left toe clockwise you'll see a true second line.

Click to enlarge

This morning I took a test.  No real logical reason really.  It's only been 7-days since I insemmed, with the hope that I was ovulating [again... I think, possibly, hopefully].  Even if it did work, the chance of seeing a positive was near zero.... but then again, it was possible..... and I just had to try.

Turning it the other direction always helps, lol

I swear it's there... I think... for a moment anyway, and when I swear I don't see it I suddenly do, and then it's gone again.... I think... but then it's there.

I carried that poor stick around with me all day, thinking that each new time I took it out to look at it I MAY POSSIBLY see that second so-hoped-for line, and each time I went through the above all over again.  Even while typing this entry I checked in three more times, holding it WAY up close to the hallway light.

Do you see it?  The possible imaginary 2nd line?  Maybe your eyes are playing tricks on you as well if you do!  Did you move your head around, side to side, up and down, and move in closer to the computer screen to try to look at it from different angles as well? :)

Dreams

They say that dreams can tell the future, an insight, or something you should be aware of.  I enjoy my dreams, usually, so long as my children are safe within them.

Two days ago as I napped in the evening, I had a dream that my period arrived and in full force.  As I sit now, I am waiting for AF to show up, while I feel the cramping/aching symptoms as if it's right around the corner.  I hope it doesn't show and that it turns out I ovulated [again] with the positive, and our insems worked and I'm pregnant.  I'm dreaming though....

Last night I dreamed that I went ahead and took an OPK test, even with AF due and the last insems only a week ago, but it was also a pregnancy test.  A second line appeared, so clear and dark and you didn't have to squint to see it.  On this test there were two other tests from two different brands (all in one), and those too turned positive.  I was pregnant!  I was thinking how the chances of a boy are high because it was on the tail end of ovulation, and I told Shawn but don't recall the exact words.  I just remember wishing that he was there when I tested, but I thought it would be negative (I still occasionally take an OPK, just to see if there's any HCG hormone).

I feel peaceful about next month coming after AF arrives, and I feel a sense of peace believing that somehow ovulation was caught even though a positive wasn't seen or at least realized.  That a conception did occur, and a baby did attempt to start growing, but for whatever reason the journey towards becoming a a formed baby stopped.  I'm not sure why I feel more peace knowing that conception occurred rather then not at all, maybe it's because it COULD have worked this month but that option was stopped rather then me missing ovulation.

I do hold a bit of hope that pregnancy did still occur this month, and that we'll see those two lines still, but it's doubtful.

By the afternoon today, the positive test for the OPK was gone... what I was watching for the rise, and then ended up being the drop, of HCG.  I was disappointed, but it was ok.  At least I took it as the drop of HCG, but in the back of my mind I wonder if maybe I did ovulate - in which case I'm glad we did the insem.  At least there will be no wondering.  No "what ifs", something I still have plenty of regardless.