AF has finally arrived

This morning AF finally arrived.  In one sense it brought relief, "FINALLY!"  And then another, a list of questions and disappointments.  I am glad though that with a month full of confusion and head scratching moments, that we can be a "Day 1" again.

I need to pick up batteries, monitor test strips, and another package of Answer ovulation tests.  I am ready to tackle this month :)

Tonight after using the restroom there was a little tiny bit of pink.  If I knew for sure about ovulation and insems, I'd say it was implantation spotting.  Something I'm use to seeing with past conceptions.  I have no real idea really, and as late as it's been since the last possible ovulation and insems, I'd question if it's more like AF (aunt flow = period) is debating whether to show up or not.  I feel my chest and it's full, but I suspect it's because Emily's been gone for almost a week and she still nurses a little bit.

I can feel the PH balance being off, something I all too well remember right before finding out Mimi was on her way... and yet it's fairly similar to what I felt a few days before AF showed up last month.

I am very hopeful, while at the same time I've kinda lost faith in this cycle working.  If it does, I will be shocked.

I have one more pregnancy test left......

Today I took another test, as my hope was there.  Nothing.  Turning it sideways, and then holding it up to the light.... I think I saw something.  My heart skipped.  Angling, it was there more so.... and then gone again.

And then I realized what those "possible" invisible lines were from.  They lined up perfectly with the line on the back from the plastic.

Why in the world would someone design these pregnancy test, knowing that there'd be a handful of crazy want so much to see that second line hopefully pregnant obviously hormonal women, with these lines on the back??  So not cool, designers.

I'll be holding the tests up to the light again, and squinting for that second line, but not within it's package.  Once I tore the test apart and held the strip up, the possible second line wasn't there.

That imaginary 2nd line....

The invisible line.

It's the taunting line that no one else is really going to see, but as you look at a clearly negative test it flashes the possibility.  You think for a moment you see that second line.

This problem is quadruple-fold with surro-eyes, that doesn't just take one glance at face value.  The thing has to be held up to every light imaginable, turned sideways, unfocus eyes, and swear that if you stand on one arm and look at the test cross-eyes while twirling your left toe clockwise you'll see a true second line.

Click to enlarge

This morning I took a test.  No real logical reason really.  It's only been 7-days since I insemmed, with the hope that I was ovulating [again... I think, possibly, hopefully].  Even if it did work, the chance of seeing a positive was near zero.... but then again, it was possible..... and I just had to try.

Turning it the other direction always helps, lol

I swear it's there... I think... for a moment anyway, and when I swear I don't see it I suddenly do, and then it's gone again.... I think... but then it's there.

I carried that poor stick around with me all day, thinking that each new time I took it out to look at it I MAY POSSIBLY see that second so-hoped-for line, and each time I went through the above all over again.  Even while typing this entry I checked in three more times, holding it WAY up close to the hallway light.

Do you see it?  The possible imaginary 2nd line?  Maybe your eyes are playing tricks on you as well if you do!  Did you move your head around, side to side, up and down, and move in closer to the computer screen to try to look at it from different angles as well? :)

Dreams

They say that dreams can tell the future, an insight, or something you should be aware of.  I enjoy my dreams, usually, so long as my children are safe within them.

Two days ago as I napped in the evening, I had a dream that my period arrived and in full force.  As I sit now, I am waiting for AF to show up, while I feel the cramping/aching symptoms as if it's right around the corner.  I hope it doesn't show and that it turns out I ovulated [again] with the positive, and our insems worked and I'm pregnant.  I'm dreaming though....

Last night I dreamed that I went ahead and took an OPK test, even with AF due and the last insems only a week ago, but it was also a pregnancy test.  A second line appeared, so clear and dark and you didn't have to squint to see it.  On this test there were two other tests from two different brands (all in one), and those too turned positive.  I was pregnant!  I was thinking how the chances of a boy are high because it was on the tail end of ovulation, and I told Shawn but don't recall the exact words.  I just remember wishing that he was there when I tested, but I thought it would be negative (I still occasionally take an OPK, just to see if there's any HCG hormone).

I feel peaceful about next month coming after AF arrives, and I feel a sense of peace believing that somehow ovulation was caught even though a positive wasn't seen or at least realized.  That a conception did occur, and a baby did attempt to start growing, but for whatever reason the journey towards becoming a a formed baby stopped.  I'm not sure why I feel more peace knowing that conception occurred rather then not at all, maybe it's because it COULD have worked this month but that option was stopped rather then me missing ovulation.

I do hold a bit of hope that pregnancy did still occur this month, and that we'll see those two lines still, but it's doubtful.

By the afternoon today, the positive test for the OPK was gone... what I was watching for the rise, and then ended up being the drop, of HCG.  I was disappointed, but it was ok.  At least I took it as the drop of HCG, but in the back of my mind I wonder if maybe I did ovulate - in which case I'm glad we did the insem.  At least there will be no wondering.  No "what ifs", something I still have plenty of regardless.

Tonight we tested.  It was suppose to be an exciting night, a night I've looked forward to as I felt all these pregnancy symptoms.  Before Shawn arrived I had to pee, I held it as long as I could in hopes the concentration would be stronger.  I filled a cup so it was ready for when Shawn arrived with the pregnancy test.  Excitement!!

I dipped an OPK and waited.  The last few days the test line had been so strong, including this morning, with all the pregnancy symptoms I took this as a raise in HCG.  Today, surely the second line would be there for Shawn to see as he hovered over the test.

I watched the OPK and my heart dropped.  That second line, although still positive, wasn't as strong as it had been these past few days :(  My pregnancy symptoms hadn't been as viciously strong today or yesterday either, could it be that the HCG was going back down?  I worried.

Shawn arrived, he chose the test, and I dipped it for five seconds.  Set it down and waited.  Shawn watched, waiting, waiting.....waiting.

Nothing :(

I took it in to the bathroom and stood on the toilet, holding it up to the light.  I couldn't see the second line, no matter how many angles I turned it :(

We concluded that if the digital said "NO -" that we would go ahead and do one more insem, just in case the positive was ovulating [again].

Negative.

I handed Shawn his chinese teacup and he headed outside and did his part.  After being handed it I did mine, and hoped :(  At least we did all we could this cycle, although I was left so completely confused since everything was not clearly [visually] black and white in what was happening.

I don't hold too much hope this cycle, but I suppose I can't give up on all hope.  There's always a possibility.

Dear Little One ~

I have been so sleepy lately, and ended up sleeping again this afternoon while waiting for your big brother to finish working.  There is a sense of quietness, peace, I feel... in between maneuvering from the discomfort in my abdomen.  It seems to be more so at night right now ~ as I readjust again.

Tonight, when arriving home, I thought I'd test again with an OPK.  Not as if I thought I needed to check for ovulation, my body is clearly saying something is happening within it already, but I suppose it gave me a way to see if you were growing without actually testing with a pregnancy test (opk in place of hpt).  See, that's something I really wanted to be able to save for your dad, that special moment of seeing if you were there or not ~ if this month was your month. A visual to confirm what already feels to be so clearly so.

But there it was, a positive OPK.  In the picture here, the top top test was taken the day of the last insem, and for a few days following.  The 5th one I took a couple days ago, it's a tiny bit darker then the previous tests.  But tonight, there it was... a beautiful positive OPK.  I sat for a good 30min looking at it, debating - do I test with the pregnancy test that came with the OPK tests?  There was only one, but would it take away what I wanted your dad to be able to experience?  His text said to test, I still wasn't too sure.  In the end I did, while your big brother, Jonah, told me I was cheating :)  My reason though, was if it was so very clearly negative, then could I be ovulating?  If so, my body surely has itself completely confused.

Click on picture for larger view

As the test was in progress, Jonah says, "I see two lines!", although I wasn't so sure.  After 5min, I ended up standing on the toilet seat holding it as close to the light as I could.  I thought I could see a second line, but was I making things up because I so very much wanted it to be so?  Was it really there?

At the very top, it is starting, you can see it.... can you not see it?  Follow the test line from the test above down to the bottom test.  It's barely, but it is there, just starting.

Will it continue?  What is happening within my body feels to be so strong, with great energy, it sure doesn't feel like it's going anywhere.  But..... I still think your daddy should still watch the test himself Monday afternoon and see if the second line really is there :)

Today, while goofing around with my daughter, her arm brushed my chest.  Holy heck!  I felt myself, they were sore!  BOTH of them!  My nipples that is, another one of the signs of pregnancy, only to lead to huge sore breasts that will eventually be the feeding factory for the new life that comes forth.

I was so excited and messaged Shawn right away to share the news with him.  This is exciting!  The potential of possibilities, the wait....

This morning I didn't feel crampy too much, and this afternoon I was fine too.  But around 3pm it started more, although more then that aching cramping I had these last couple days, today it's just heavy full pressure.  I am laying down while I'm tying this, just feeling that fullness and wonder all that could potentially be going on in there.  I wonder how in three more days I am hopeful Shawn will be able to see a second line appear and we'll all be screaming in excitement :)

What if there was no second line?  Wonder what the heck happened to my body this month.

Dear Little One ~

Yesterday was more difficult for me, my uterus ached and I felt tiny waves of emotions.  When giving your Aunt Samantha a hug goodbye I teared up, as so many things crossed my mind and I just didn't have enough time to visit.  I came home, felt so sleepy, and took a nap.  Last night when I went to the store I felt a tiny spark of nausea.  I'm not so achy today, just little moments of discomfort.

If we weren't purposefully trying for you, I would question what was wrong with me.  If I knew when I ovulated and felt it was timed perfectly, I would say it worked.  But, with the unknown for when and if I ovulated, I really question if it's "all in my mind".  I know the ache/cramping sure isn't, goodness gracious, but maybe it's from something else.

Your dad is coming on Monday with a pregnancy test when he brings your big sister back.  I really hope if you are in there growing, that you'll surprise him with a second line :)