A possibility?

Dear Little One -

When you became a dream of your dads, you also became mine.  Well, not quite.  When he first mentioned it to me I recoiled quickly.  I wasn't prepared for having a sibling, at that time I thought Emily was going to be my last child.  I couldn't wrap my mind around how it would all work, what he invisioned, I barely understood how things were going to be with Emily - she was so new to this world.  But over time you grew in my heart.

Your dad is an amazing person, with such a sweet heart.  He's practical and rational, not necessarily my area of forte.  I am a dreamer, ponderer and a planner.

I know it is possible that you may never end up being.  Your dad may decide that you should grow in another woman's tummy - and that would be ok too, I will still love you just as much :)  He may also decide that his focus should be on your sister, which is understandable as well.  I am curious what will end up happening, to see what life's plan is suppose to be.

My heart still hurts, Little One.  Although I needed more time to emotionally grow and be prepared to carry you and the life changes that may come from it in other areas of my life, having crushed your dads heart the way that I did still leaves me hurting tramendously.  He cares so much, and it was the worst thing I've experienced, and it occured by my own doing.  I pray that I never hurt someone in such a manner ever again in my life.  He seems to have forgiven me, he's always so kind in his words, but the worst pain someone can carry is their own guilt.  I sure feel it.  I hope in time I can forgive myself, even though I understand my actions.

The talk of your potential brought so much excitement inside of me.  I shared this with Samantha today, who is extremely excited as well.  She dreams with me.  Maybe one day you'll meet her.

How can someone love a child so much before they even exist?  Before they're really a true planned and driven dream?  You are a thought, a wonderment, a hope, a curiosity.  Just the same though, I love you.

Dear Little One -

I had deleted this blog, feeling like you may just never be but reactivated it this morning when I wanted to type some thoughts about you.  It should stay I suppose, until I'm certain you wont ever be.

I spent a year falling in love with the possibility of you, letting you go in my heart hasn't been easy at all.  What hurts the most is how it came that you weren't going to be coming in the time frame originally planned, the pain of that decision and saying so to your dad still so rawly fresh in my heart.  I still hurt, and still want you so much.

I found another couple to help, but I haven't been able to feel the pure peace and joy about everything.  I'm happy I can help them, but miss what could have been... what should be.

I really hope that your dad will still choose to have you in another 18mo or so.  I hope he doesn't feel too old come that time, or his other reasons of wondering if he shouldn't have a child to raise afterall.  He is such an amazing man, little one, so incredible and such a good father.  Emily has been so blessed to have him in her life, especially to have him as her dad.

I often think of you and wonder about you, as I look at Emily.  I wonder what you would/have looked like or be like.  What your interests would be.  Would you give hugs like your sister does?  Kisses?  Would you love animals?  Would you love to draw, dance, and sing?

I love you already.

The search begins

Little dragon -

Some things happened that broke my heart and left me feeling it wasn't best to be the one to carry you inside of me and bring you in to your daddy's arms. Oh, how much it hurt to make that decision, I've never cried that much over choosing not to be a carrier for someone. You aren't even created yet, and I love you already! With something so painful, it's hard to believe that there's a reason as to why something happened, and when it did, but I do believe there is... a reason... even if it's never really known.

You have such a wonderful dad waiting for you, you are one very lucky child. Your sister, Emily, has been so blessed to be able to know him. When he shared that he was still planning to go forward to find that special person who you are going to be able to grow inside, it was bitter sweet. I am going to miss carrying you, but oh... I am SO EXCITED FOR YOU! I will always love you, and do already. In my heart, for your father, you are held.

I look forward to watching your dad go through the often exhausting process of what it's going to take to figure out the path to walk for your creation and existance. Who's tummy will you be growing in? I hope she's filled with lots of love... most surrogates are :) Who will be giving that other half needed so you can have a body? Will it be a seperate person, or will it be the person who's tummy you snuggle on in to? However it ends up being, the whole process is so loved and dream filled.

Will you enjoy Emily? She's a pretty cool girl, and will love being a big sister when she comes to play. Maybe she'll want to dress you up in princess outfits, and play tea parties with you? It wont matter if you're a brother or sister, big sisters tend to do this anway :)

I do wonder though, if you are a boy or a girl?

Help your daddy find the special tummy home you're suppose to grow in, ok? Someone who will appreciate your daddy as much as he deserves, and as much as his friends do.

Little Dragon, you are in my heart and dreams <3 I wonder who I'll be to you? A friend? An aunt? Whatever I am, prepare yourself for lots of kisses and loves whenever I see you. Maybe in spirit you can feel the sweet kisses already :)

First steps set up

It's becoming more common for fertility clinics to require 6mo quarantine of sperm, and also where this quarantine time before use to be waved it's also becoming common where there is no way to wave this required time. Although we were directed by a lawyer before where we could do home insems with a medical professional in attendance who could notorize a statment saying no sexual contact took place, I knew that having a doctor singing off on IUIs (or even regular insems) would be best when it came to the courts. What I wasn't looking forward to was finding the clinic who would do this without the quarantine time.

When I was very uncertain that Shing was going to choose to have a baby this year, I went ahead and placed an ad on the surrogate website thinking that I may be able to help a couple in between.... maybe. I really wasn't too sure what I was going to do, but was one of those "put my feelers out there" moment. Although I didn't end up responding to the handful of people who responded to the ad, I did respond to Ashley. Not exactly sure what stood out with her, she was an agency and I wasn't too keen on working with one. There were other things too. But, she was the one and only I responded to. Through her I am now able to support a wonderful IF couple in the UK, and root them on with pure excitement. She also has been able to help offer some wonderful suggestions for Shing and I, one being a clinic to use.

With Shing's go ahead, I called them a few days ago to schedule a consultation appt. Scheduled for August 1st at 2pm. They do fresh IUIs with no quarantine.... it's still hard to believe, and I suppose I'll have to hear it from the doctor sitting there in person in front of me to believe it completely! I am so amazed, and grateful! Almost one of those "too good to be true" moments.

What to eat to conceive a boy

So with one boy (oldest) and SIX girls to follow, I wonder if any of it had to do with my diet?

They say that it is up to the father (x vs y chromosomes) , but I really have to wonder. For horses, I have been told by breeders that putting apple cider vinigar in to their water it helps to change the PH level in their body which is more welcoming for girl sperm.... and in turn they had a higher rate of female foals born.

Maybe my diet back when my son was conceived was filled more with foods I typically haven't eaten since then, or to the extent needed to have much of an impact... if this is true.

Something to look at :)

http://www.ehow.com/way_5420714_eat-conceive-boy.html

A boy vs girl

These last handful of weeks as I debated looking for a couple to help, thinking that Shing wasn't ready yet and wouldn't most likely be for a while, there's one thing that I struggled the most with. What if that child ended up being a boy?

I've read about surrogates who have all of one sex (boy/girl) and always wanted the other, and faced their own disappointments when the child they have for another is the boy/girl they had hoped to have one day.

When I first started in the surro-world, I had one of each. A boy and a girl. I was so proud! Then came my first surro-daughter, Mimi, she was so beautiful and perfect and a dream come true for her parents. When I found out that the next child, for my family, was a girl, I felt heartbreak. Mimi was my baby girl. Seems odd really, she wasn't "my" child so why would I feel sadness that a child meant for my family would step in front of that? It doesn't make much sense to me now, although I do understand the reasons, but back then it's what I felt.

I went on to have another TS child, a girl. And then again another, a girl, a sibling for Mimi. I had really hoped that Mimi would have a sister since she lives in a houseful of boys, and was so pleased when the ultrasound tech announced the bouncing little baby inside of me was a girl. Her dad was disappointed, he had hoped for a boy.

Why worry about having a boy now? In the surrogate world, the parents you are helping can promise the world in regards to contact but disappear after they have their child - or even a handful of years in the future. It really depends what they feel is best for their family, contact is just a gift they give and to what extent, if any, is up to them.

But ohhhh - if Shing does decide to have a child, how amazing it would be to have a baby boy this time. A brother to Emily. A son. Shing would have both a daughter and a son - well, so long as that's what he would like :) And me.... may not be a son to raise, but a son to love and cherish and watch grow. To hug and love, as a son. A little girl again would be just as precious, but a son? Ohhh *dreamy*

A glimmer of excitement!

Tonight Emily's dad shared his thoughts about possibly having a child afterall. I felt my heart skip and leap in complete excitement! I think I blabbered complete nonesense though following, as I felt like a jiberishly speaking whatnot. And then came the legalities, and I feel I spoke overwhelmingly :( I'm glad he has a good mind and stands on his own solid ground.

I'm also glad he shared his feelings tonight. Right after he messaged and I was swirling in complete joy, one friend/agency messaged asking if I had looked over the couple's profile she sent me. This was following more talk from another agency/matching place for the IFs, and being contacted by another couple.

As these potential couples sat there these last few days, I felt disappointment. I also felt hesitant. What if I went to work with one couple and Emily's dad decided to start sooner afterall? Emily's dad means the world to me, and it would please me to no end to be able to help bring his child here to him. What a dream, in so many ways.

The possibility has me squeeling in excitement inside, but the time to do backflips hasn't come yet. Emily's dad is smart, and he is being careful with is decision on becoming a full-time parent. I am excited to see what he decides in the end. For now though, it is nice to hold the possibility of helping a very dear friend. I suppose I am not looking elsewhere anymore.... and my heart is just fine with that :)

Starting the search

Dear little one -

Who are you? Are you meant to be? When I had Emily I didn't expect to be a surrogate again, even after her dad asked me about carrying a sibling for him. She was to be my last. The wonderment grew, but with him not quite ready, I wonder.... am I suppose to help another family? Are you suppose to be?

I have put my feelers out there, as I wonder.

I was told about two international hope-to-be fathers. They sound wonderful, but my heart felt hesitant. Not in a negative way, but rather almost as if I was betraying Emily's dad by looking in another direction even though he's not ready right now and isn't sure if and when he will be. He's such a wonderful man, and carries so many great qualities that make him a great dad.

I asked my two younger daughters today how they felt about me being a surrogate again, and they are fully supportive. I asked them if they felt that the children I carry for another family are their sister... without doubt, "yes". I am glad they're supportive, I wonder how my son will feel.

As I start the search as to who your parent/s are suppose to be, I still have a while before I am completely ready. All the babies that came before you have left me needing to work hard to be sure my weight and body are healthy and ready for you to grow inside. I think I still have nine months ahead of me, but in the surrogate world that a realistic time to patiently look and for all the searching, meeting, testing, contracts, and every other whatnot thing that needs to take place. Or should, anyway.

Are you out there? Do you know who your parent/s are?