13w4d, ultrasound pictures

My dear sweet little one ~

I can't say these last handful of weeks have been easy.  So many changes have been happening in my family's life, and while difficult I know it's all is restructuring the balance in preperation for you ~ which I am so very excited about.

I have struggled to have the deep connection I want with you, for reasons I can't really comprehend while yet understand.  I want so much to not be "just a mom" to you, but a "Great Mom".  I watch your dad with your big sister Emily, and he is the most amazing dad she could ever dream of.  You, little one, are the most luckiest baby ever.  You have the best daddy waiting to hold and love you.  I hope I can be best possible mom to you.

This morning I woke up and placed my hands on your growing home, closed my eyes, and imagined what you must be doing in there.  Were you sleeping?  I was hoping to feel a little kick but nothing happened.  Soon I know you will have grown more and I'll be able to feel your little twists and turns.  I look forward to this.

During your pregnancy I have tried to find a connection with the midwife I chose for you, a connection I had with each of my past pregnancies, but never ended up with it as much as I wanted to.  One day you will meet her, she is an amazing person.  I will be on the hunt shortly for a new midwife, and will likely end up back with a midwife group who delivered your big sister, Katie.

Last week I was able to see you for the first time on an ultrasound screen.  What a sweet feeling I felt, with a bit of shock.... this little being, you, really were inside of me!  I felt such joy seeing your heart beating, seeing you moving, and even sucking on your thumb.  Quite the surreal feeling.  You measured 3" from head to bottom.  Just a tiny little guy, but growing so fast!

Your brain, pretty amazing isn't it?

The most amazing sound, your beating heart

Do you see yourself gripping your cord with your right hand?

Hard to tell, but you were sucking your thumb! <3

Fist up beside your chin

Hmmmmm, are you a boy or a girl?  At this age it's hard to tell, but I wonder??  You almost look like you're a girl, but .... maybe a boy?  I wonder and dream, what will your name be?

Dear Little One ~

You are eight weeks along today!  I think often of you, and how you must be developing inside of me.  Every night and morning I feel your home, and feel it growing. 

Last week you marked your 7-weeks by sending me to the restroom quickly to partake in a part of "morning sickness". Yuck.  Your big sister Alyssa opened the door to ask me a question and stopped.... "Morning sickness?" I needed, and she closed the door.  I've come very close a handful of other times, but haven't completed the joy since then :)

I find myself often, lately, startled that you're really inside of me.  It seems so incredible, magical.... unbelievable really.  I am so very thankful.

I'm not craving sushi like I use to, but still love rice.  I am back to loving orange juice, but still doesn't want milk.  Eggs, not usually.  Fresh fruit or fresh vegetables, YUM!

Cravings and Sleep

Dear Little One ~

A few mornings ago, as I pulled out of the driveway on my way to work, I was hit with a wave of nautiousness.  I chuckled to myself, and made note that I must eat before leaving the house not after arriving at work.  So I did just that the next morning, which didn't go over too well with my tummy.  Again, I chuckled, but not comfortably.

I wonder if the food changes I'm going through now are going to end up being some of your likes and dislikes as you grow?  If so, you sure have healthy tastes!

You don't care for sweets really.  Although you do like a little dark chocolate, but not much.

You absolutely don't like soda.  You DO enjoy mineral water.

Eggs over toast is out.  Cheese is tollerable.  Sandwiches aren't really cared for (so no more subway for me really).

You love fruits and vegetables, and rice as well.

Hands down, the favorite is Sushi!!  Every day, these last few days, I have had an order.  Mmmmm, so delicious!  I am not eating any raw fish, just the california roll, but sooooo yummy.  For a handful of days I craved it and finally felt comfort in my tummy once I went ahead and tried these, crossed with... mineral water :) 

I realized tonight, that although you don't care for sweets really, you do enjoy the salt.... soy on the sushi :)

A craving I certainly don't mind, and Jonah has announced he is VERY excited about "this baby", for who you are of course, but also because since my craving is sushi that means he will more often then not be getting it too! LOL

My sleep schedule has changed as well.  No more staying up crazy hours.  I have been taking a nap almost every day since a few days after I found out you were on your way, and bed time is early.... 8pm or so.  My body seems to be sucking up as much sleep as it can get since you are growing.

How life is created, and how a whole 'nother body can grow a new human being just amazes me.

I feel down where you are and smile.  You are in there.  You are growing.

Your heart should have started beating by now :)

You're on your way!

Dear Little Dragon ~

It's been a while since I've written to you.  As the first month came, and I felt you were there... and then felt you slip away, and AF arrived quite late, my heart sunk.  The second month brought no sense of any conception, and AF was right on time.  As we stepped in to this month, I felt distant.  I was comfortable continuing month to month until your time came, but I silently wondered how long we would be waiting.  I thought back to the first month, and thought that if that baby stayed how far along in to the pregnancy I would be.

This month though was most important to me.  Ovulation happened on May Day, a special day, a day I hoped would give extra good luck for such an important month.  This month would be the last month that you would be born in the year of the dragon.... a water dragon.  I held my breath when the monitor turned positive the first day, and we sent many little dreams towards the egg in hopes you would be conceived.  The second day of the positive we sent more little dreams your way again.  And we hoped.

As I was more distant, maybe more of a sense at peace, or could have just been a "didn't want to get my hopes up", I waited much longer before picking up a pregnancy test.  I figured I'd just wait to see if AF arrived.  To help curb the urge, I was dipping an OPK test each morning since I needed to use up the rest of the pack of 20 anyway.  On May 12th though, Mothers Day, I woke up, dipped the stick, and saw an ever so slightly faint line.  Hmmmmm, I wondered.  I took the cup with me when meeting a friend to visit, and ended up deciding that yes, afterall, it was Mothers Day and if I was going to test today would be a sweet memorable day if it was afterall positive.

I drove to the store, with your sister, Emily, and Alyssa in the car.  I went in to Safeway and chose two boxes of two.  My mom text messaged wishing me a happy mothers day, and I told her I was buying pregnancy tests.  She sent a silly teasing response.  At the car I dipped the stick and set it down for Alyssa to watch, since it was interesting her quite a bit.

I expected it to be negative, but I hoped still.

Alyssa says, "I think I see a line!!!"

I looked, and sure enough there was the second line, clear as day.

My feet started stomping and I covered my mouth while I screamed.  "OMG! OMG! OMG!" I texted my mom.  She asked if she and my dad should call your dad and wish him a Happy Mothers Day :)  I wish they did, he has the sweetest heart like a mother.  You are very lucky, little dragon.

Once arriving home I took your sister, Emily, to the grass and handed her the pregnancy stick that screamed that you were on your way!  The first picture worked - the second picture she was giggling but still was oh.so.cute.  I messaged your dad.  I was so excited!! 

This was a moment I feel I have been waiting for for so long.  Not just three months, but since Emily was just a newborn and the consideration of you was there.  Most especially though, since last summer, 10 months ago, when I chose to stop working towards you for personal reasons.  When your dad waited so patiently for the months that followed, and when we could start trying for you again.  It's been so long in waiting for you, where each day the dream of you became more so.

I dipped a second pregnancy test later that day, and the second line was darker.  This is the test I gave to him when he arrived later in the evening.

Normal mama worries are there.  Will you continue to develop as you need to for you to continue growing in to a strong little baby?  I pray all continues as it needs to.  You mean so much to me.  Not just my dream, but all of ours.

I love you.  So very much.  To the end of the stars and back.

Our little Water Dragon <3  What a very special day!

The beautiful flowers and balloon your dad brought me

Day 15

Today wraps up day 15.  This cycle is quiet, peaceful I would say.  I haven't felt too many jumps in anxiousness as each day passes, or each time I test with the OPK.  All, just is.

Shing dropped off Answer OPK tests (20ct) along with the Clear Blue Easy Fertility Test Sticks, last Monday (3/26) when picking up Emily.  As luck would have it, as much as I love the monitor, it had disappeared the following morning when I went to reach for it to test.  It was gone, somewhere - maybe Emily moved it, or one of my other children, or maybe I had placed it in a "safe spot" and it disappeared in to the black hole with all the other "safe placed" items, only to reappear in the most oddest spots possible at some point in time.  I began testing with the Answer OPK tests, and was content.  Each morning around 10ish, and evening around 5ish, I test.  I note the barely visible 2nd test line and ponder over when it shows positive... while yet not feeling rushed or stressed.

Day 15.  Finally, for the first time this month, I have began feeling little pinching feelings on both of my ovaries.  It's rotating back and forth, so slight in discomfort.  Other visible signs, such as CM, are pointing to ovulation being close.  It's the only place I feel hesitant, to say that I'm "close" or make any definitive statements regarding when ovulation will happen.  I feel lost in a sense, just along for the ride of whatever my body ends up deciding to do, and whenever that may be.  Just pee, dip, test, wait, read.... and wait.

In an odd sense I'm thankful it didn't work last month.  Whether it did and stopped growing, or didn't at all, I am enjoy the peaceful feeling this month has brought, but along with that the feeling of soft tender love I feel for the child who will be to come soon, along with a more humble respect that I can't snap my fingers and have conception happen immediately.

The top two were from yesterday, bottom three from today (am/afternoon/pm) -
note the slowly darkening second line....

AF has finally arrived

This morning AF finally arrived.  In one sense it brought relief, "FINALLY!"  And then another, a list of questions and disappointments.  I am glad though that with a month full of confusion and head scratching moments, that we can be a "Day 1" again.

I need to pick up batteries, monitor test strips, and another package of Answer ovulation tests.  I am ready to tackle this month :)

Tonight after using the restroom there was a little tiny bit of pink.  If I knew for sure about ovulation and insems, I'd say it was implantation spotting.  Something I'm use to seeing with past conceptions.  I have no real idea really, and as late as it's been since the last possible ovulation and insems, I'd question if it's more like AF (aunt flow = period) is debating whether to show up or not.  I feel my chest and it's full, but I suspect it's because Emily's been gone for almost a week and she still nurses a little bit.

I can feel the PH balance being off, something I all too well remember right before finding out Mimi was on her way... and yet it's fairly similar to what I felt a few days before AF showed up last month.

I am very hopeful, while at the same time I've kinda lost faith in this cycle working.  If it does, I will be shocked.

I have one more pregnancy test left......

Today I took another test, as my hope was there.  Nothing.  Turning it sideways, and then holding it up to the light.... I think I saw something.  My heart skipped.  Angling, it was there more so.... and then gone again.

And then I realized what those "possible" invisible lines were from.  They lined up perfectly with the line on the back from the plastic.

Why in the world would someone design these pregnancy test, knowing that there'd be a handful of crazy want so much to see that second line hopefully pregnant obviously hormonal women, with these lines on the back??  So not cool, designers.

I'll be holding the tests up to the light again, and squinting for that second line, but not within it's package.  Once I tore the test apart and held the strip up, the possible second line wasn't there.

That imaginary 2nd line....

The invisible line.

It's the taunting line that no one else is really going to see, but as you look at a clearly negative test it flashes the possibility.  You think for a moment you see that second line.

This problem is quadruple-fold with surro-eyes, that doesn't just take one glance at face value.  The thing has to be held up to every light imaginable, turned sideways, unfocus eyes, and swear that if you stand on one arm and look at the test cross-eyes while twirling your left toe clockwise you'll see a true second line.

Click to enlarge

This morning I took a test.  No real logical reason really.  It's only been 7-days since I insemmed, with the hope that I was ovulating [again... I think, possibly, hopefully].  Even if it did work, the chance of seeing a positive was near zero.... but then again, it was possible..... and I just had to try.

Turning it the other direction always helps, lol

I swear it's there... I think... for a moment anyway, and when I swear I don't see it I suddenly do, and then it's gone again.... I think... but then it's there.

I carried that poor stick around with me all day, thinking that each new time I took it out to look at it I MAY POSSIBLY see that second so-hoped-for line, and each time I went through the above all over again.  Even while typing this entry I checked in three more times, holding it WAY up close to the hallway light.

Do you see it?  The possible imaginary 2nd line?  Maybe your eyes are playing tricks on you as well if you do!  Did you move your head around, side to side, up and down, and move in closer to the computer screen to try to look at it from different angles as well? :)

Dreams

They say that dreams can tell the future, an insight, or something you should be aware of.  I enjoy my dreams, usually, so long as my children are safe within them.

Two days ago as I napped in the evening, I had a dream that my period arrived and in full force.  As I sit now, I am waiting for AF to show up, while I feel the cramping/aching symptoms as if it's right around the corner.  I hope it doesn't show and that it turns out I ovulated [again] with the positive, and our insems worked and I'm pregnant.  I'm dreaming though....

Last night I dreamed that I went ahead and took an OPK test, even with AF due and the last insems only a week ago, but it was also a pregnancy test.  A second line appeared, so clear and dark and you didn't have to squint to see it.  On this test there were two other tests from two different brands (all in one), and those too turned positive.  I was pregnant!  I was thinking how the chances of a boy are high because it was on the tail end of ovulation, and I told Shawn but don't recall the exact words.  I just remember wishing that he was there when I tested, but I thought it would be negative (I still occasionally take an OPK, just to see if there's any HCG hormone).

I feel peaceful about next month coming after AF arrives, and I feel a sense of peace believing that somehow ovulation was caught even though a positive wasn't seen or at least realized.  That a conception did occur, and a baby did attempt to start growing, but for whatever reason the journey towards becoming a a formed baby stopped.  I'm not sure why I feel more peace knowing that conception occurred rather then not at all, maybe it's because it COULD have worked this month but that option was stopped rather then me missing ovulation.

I do hold a bit of hope that pregnancy did still occur this month, and that we'll see those two lines still, but it's doubtful.

By the afternoon today, the positive test for the OPK was gone... what I was watching for the rise, and then ended up being the drop, of HCG.  I was disappointed, but it was ok.  At least I took it as the drop of HCG, but in the back of my mind I wonder if maybe I did ovulate - in which case I'm glad we did the insem.  At least there will be no wondering.  No "what ifs", something I still have plenty of regardless.

Tonight we tested.  It was suppose to be an exciting night, a night I've looked forward to as I felt all these pregnancy symptoms.  Before Shawn arrived I had to pee, I held it as long as I could in hopes the concentration would be stronger.  I filled a cup so it was ready for when Shawn arrived with the pregnancy test.  Excitement!!

I dipped an OPK and waited.  The last few days the test line had been so strong, including this morning, with all the pregnancy symptoms I took this as a raise in HCG.  Today, surely the second line would be there for Shawn to see as he hovered over the test.

I watched the OPK and my heart dropped.  That second line, although still positive, wasn't as strong as it had been these past few days :(  My pregnancy symptoms hadn't been as viciously strong today or yesterday either, could it be that the HCG was going back down?  I worried.

Shawn arrived, he chose the test, and I dipped it for five seconds.  Set it down and waited.  Shawn watched, waiting, waiting.....waiting.

Nothing :(

I took it in to the bathroom and stood on the toilet, holding it up to the light.  I couldn't see the second line, no matter how many angles I turned it :(

We concluded that if the digital said "NO -" that we would go ahead and do one more insem, just in case the positive was ovulating [again].

Negative.

I handed Shawn his chinese teacup and he headed outside and did his part.  After being handed it I did mine, and hoped :(  At least we did all we could this cycle, although I was left so completely confused since everything was not clearly [visually] black and white in what was happening.

I don't hold too much hope this cycle, but I suppose I can't give up on all hope.  There's always a possibility.

Dear Little One ~

I have been so sleepy lately, and ended up sleeping again this afternoon while waiting for your big brother to finish working.  There is a sense of quietness, peace, I feel... in between maneuvering from the discomfort in my abdomen.  It seems to be more so at night right now ~ as I readjust again.

Tonight, when arriving home, I thought I'd test again with an OPK.  Not as if I thought I needed to check for ovulation, my body is clearly saying something is happening within it already, but I suppose it gave me a way to see if you were growing without actually testing with a pregnancy test (opk in place of hpt).  See, that's something I really wanted to be able to save for your dad, that special moment of seeing if you were there or not ~ if this month was your month. A visual to confirm what already feels to be so clearly so.

But there it was, a positive OPK.  In the picture here, the top top test was taken the day of the last insem, and for a few days following.  The 5th one I took a couple days ago, it's a tiny bit darker then the previous tests.  But tonight, there it was... a beautiful positive OPK.  I sat for a good 30min looking at it, debating - do I test with the pregnancy test that came with the OPK tests?  There was only one, but would it take away what I wanted your dad to be able to experience?  His text said to test, I still wasn't too sure.  In the end I did, while your big brother, Jonah, told me I was cheating :)  My reason though, was if it was so very clearly negative, then could I be ovulating?  If so, my body surely has itself completely confused.

Click on picture for larger view

As the test was in progress, Jonah says, "I see two lines!", although I wasn't so sure.  After 5min, I ended up standing on the toilet seat holding it as close to the light as I could.  I thought I could see a second line, but was I making things up because I so very much wanted it to be so?  Was it really there?

At the very top, it is starting, you can see it.... can you not see it?  Follow the test line from the test above down to the bottom test.  It's barely, but it is there, just starting.

Will it continue?  What is happening within my body feels to be so strong, with great energy, it sure doesn't feel like it's going anywhere.  But..... I still think your daddy should still watch the test himself Monday afternoon and see if the second line really is there :)

Today, while goofing around with my daughter, her arm brushed my chest.  Holy heck!  I felt myself, they were sore!  BOTH of them!  My nipples that is, another one of the signs of pregnancy, only to lead to huge sore breasts that will eventually be the feeding factory for the new life that comes forth.

I was so excited and messaged Shawn right away to share the news with him.  This is exciting!  The potential of possibilities, the wait....

This morning I didn't feel crampy too much, and this afternoon I was fine too.  But around 3pm it started more, although more then that aching cramping I had these last couple days, today it's just heavy full pressure.  I am laying down while I'm tying this, just feeling that fullness and wonder all that could potentially be going on in there.  I wonder how in three more days I am hopeful Shawn will be able to see a second line appear and we'll all be screaming in excitement :)

What if there was no second line?  Wonder what the heck happened to my body this month.

Dear Little One ~

Yesterday was more difficult for me, my uterus ached and I felt tiny waves of emotions.  When giving your Aunt Samantha a hug goodbye I teared up, as so many things crossed my mind and I just didn't have enough time to visit.  I came home, felt so sleepy, and took a nap.  Last night when I went to the store I felt a tiny spark of nausea.  I'm not so achy today, just little moments of discomfort.

If we weren't purposefully trying for you, I would question what was wrong with me.  If I knew when I ovulated and felt it was timed perfectly, I would say it worked.  But, with the unknown for when and if I ovulated, I really question if it's "all in my mind".  I know the ache/cramping sure isn't, goodness gracious, but maybe it's from something else.

Your dad is coming on Monday with a pregnancy test when he brings your big sister back.  I really hope if you are in there growing, that you'll surprise him with a second line :)

Dear Little One -

I wonder if you are growing.  I am having symptoms that are saying it is quite possible, and I am finding myself doubting at the same time.  I have no idea when I ovulated, but hope it was at a time where you would be able to be conceived.  It's so common though, for a mom who hopes so much, to feel symptoms that either really aren't there or just read too much in to them.  I couldn't be making up these uncomfortable cramping symptoms though, with a tighter feeling in one spot.... and yet it could mean something other then you.  How amazing it would be though, if this month was your month :)

Dear Little One ~

Your biggest sister, Alyssa, came in to the restroom this morning rubbing her eyes and asked me if I had been throwing up this morning.  I hadn't.  She said she had a dream then, that seemed so real, that I was throwing up and said I was pregnant.  Hmm, could it be?  She's never been the one to pick up on my other pregnancies, but could she have been the one that foretold that this month was your month?  I wonder....

Dear Little One -

We have tried for you again, even though the OPK tests keep saying negative.  I feel a bit discouraged as we reach day 17 and still without a positive to show.  Your dad is such a trooper, and is so hopeful for you as well - he came out so we could try for you again... just in case.  I am thankful for this, at least the chance is there while we keep waiting.

Just in case you're suppose to be a dragon baby, it is quite possible!  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dragon_%28zodiac%29#Years_and_the_Five_Elements  Little water dragon.  We have a few months grace period, so will see.

I feel a bit lost with my cycle, as I try to catch the egg that will hopefully grow to be you.  I am hopeful I can this month, but if not then there's always next month.  Next month you'd be close to a Christmas baby if it worked :)

You have quite a few people eagerly awaiting you!!  Your big sister, Katie, has had so many questions about you - what I think you'll look like, if you'll be a boy or a girl, will you look like Emily... she's so curious.  I can see the excitement growing in your dad, and I am feeling it too :)

I am still laying here, enjoying the moment to relax while I listen to the other kids playing in the living room.  The test still said negative, but my hope holds :)

Today has emotionally been very difficult.  At a time I should be overfilling with joy, I am struggling with heart wrenching pain and sorrow.

Before I was able to finally come back to this journey's path, having Emily's sibling, I was to help a couple who were friends first.  I felt confident working with them, they felt trustworthy.  And they really are, they are great people.  The mother, having one child already, so deeply wanted another child but carrying twins as a surrogate for another couple left her unable to have any more children.  I offered to carry and my heart fell in love with all that would come.  We dreamed together, and our visions became real in our minds and heart.  Although I looked forward to walking the path I am on now again, this other path felt so important to me for a few reasons and a path I was to walk first.

When the mother changed her mind, for health reasons, my heart broke - although I understood.  Most important to me was our friendship, so long as that held everything else was ok.  I would still support her in her quest to become a mother again, even if I wasn't the one carrying her baby here.

Over these last two weeks I felt things changing.  Beyond exhausted, I made sure to have my daughter down at her daughters birthday party.  I felt like such an outsider, it felt different then before... as though part of her wanted me there but wished I wasn't.  Our conversations changed online, as did our phone calls.  She stopped answering my calls, or returning them.  Any text in reference to our friendship or my appreciation of them went unanswered.  I finally asked about it today ~ unanswered.  There's more that happened, but that's the jist of it.

Insems happened yesterday, and I can feel things happening in my uterus (no ovulation yet) ~ a joy I should be walking the clouds with, and part of me is, but this other part hurts for a friend I lost because of surrogacy.  Because of infertility.  Infertility because of surrogacy.

Today I felt such guilt for my own fertility.  I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I do.  Here a friend is struggling with such pain, and I am walking on and having a child.  I guess I can't blame her distance, but it still hurts tramendously.  It wasn't suppose to be this way :(

I will feel peace soon, but tonight the heaviness hovers and I am fighting back tears.

Dear Little One -

How quickly life's path can change. As your dad and I talked more about you, we were looking at your potential time to start growing being another 18mo away or so. I was going to help a friend bring her baby here first, so when you're time came I could give you all of my time to nurse and pump. It ended up not being the right time for them afterall, and I offered the possibility to your dad to start now!

He was so excited. I don't remember what day of my cycle I was on at that point, but know I was waiting for AF to start. Your "day 1" in your growth if you ended up growing that month. It started right on time, and since I was talking with your dad at that moment he was able to truly be a part of you from the very start :)

It came quicker then he and I planned, but today we sat in the midwife's office filling paperwork out, and preparing to complete an insem. Although day 12, and no LH surge, we chose to take this day since it was the only day our midwife was in her office and her signature was needed for a piece of paper to help tell the judges that you were very important to your daddy and planned. He did his part, and came back to where we all were. I left, and did my part. I looked at the cup that held all the magic of the possibility of you, and remembered when we conceived your big sister Emily. When we have an LH surge, your daddy will visit again but today is still very special. You are possible!

I am so very hopeful that this is your month. Daddy says you'll still be a dragon baby! I looked at Emily today and thought about how amazing of a big sister she will be, and wondered what you will be like.

I feel like I'm walking a dream ~ such a sweet dream. It really is our time, and within two weeks you could be a reality!

< 3
Your Mom